The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
