you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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