i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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