My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
