Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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