Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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