I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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