Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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