I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
