apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
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