Ambien. No doubt about it.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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