Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
