it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
