my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
