my shit smells like andre
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
