and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
