I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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