I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
