There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Well I just put wine in my tea
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
