i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
