life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i just sent this text using only my big toe
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
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