Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
