I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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