so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
