When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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