oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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