Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
