Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
