He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
