he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
