I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
