not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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