I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
