My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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