If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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