This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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