Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
