I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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