I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
