That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
