Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
