dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
