you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
if only i could text you this smell
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
