New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
