he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
