how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
