No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
