Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
The air taste purple.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
