Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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