i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
